View Full Version : Jokes
spybotsandra
2008-08-06, 11:39
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue-elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
a blue-elephant gun.
:laugh:
drragostea
2008-08-06, 20:59
:laugh::laugh::laugh:
spybotsandra
2008-08-20, 16:20
Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
A: Open other end.
firemanbill
2008-09-02, 22:03
Q:What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A:The cold shoulder.:red:
Sandypants
2008-09-04, 16:35
this is an old one
Q what did the chip say to the battery
A If you're everready I'm frito-lay
:D:
williejames
2008-09-04, 18:41
Man took his overweight Labrador dog to the veterinary to have his weight checked. The vet lifted the dog to put him on the scales then turned to the owner and said "I going to have to put him down" Alarmed, the man asked "Why, is his condition that serious?"
"Ah no" said the vet, "He's too heavy for me to hold."
firemanbill
2008-11-14, 16:48
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Christmas Season
Begins...... :angel:
This Sucks
2009-01-14, 19:28
Jesus Christ walks into an inn.
He tosses the inkeeper three nails and asks
"Hey , can you put me up for the night?"
Here is a couple jokes ive seen around on the web
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
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A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
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Washington state attorney season and bag limits
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty
jseymour3000
2009-09-20, 15:02
On my birthday my wife mentioned I was getting old. I explained to her that Men were like Fine Wines, we get better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
jseymour3000
2009-09-20, 15:13
Etch-a-Sketch Tech Support Troubleshooting Guidelines:
Q: My Etch-a-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-a-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-a-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for UNDO?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a new document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I EXIT?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-a-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-a-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-a-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it!
jseymour3000
2009-09-20, 15:25
Computer Definitions
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Ethernet: something used to catch the etherbunny.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Upgrade: take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!
Q:what did the cow say to the other cow
A:moove over
Q:why did the chicken cross the road?
A:to get away from kfc xD
knock knock
whos there
ear
ear who?
i cant ear you!
Q:what kind of flu did the kung-fu guy get?
A:kung-flu
Q:where did the ghost sell his stuff?
A:on eeeeeeeeeeeebbbbbbbbaaaaaayyyyy
Q:why couldnt the cannibal sell his house?
A:it cost an arm and a leg
Q:what happen when godzilla destroyed the grocery store?
A:sales went through the roof!
Q:do mummies make good skateboarders?
A:yeah they really shred
Q:did you hear about godzillas new job?
A:hes a roar-to-roar sales men!
Q:how do witchies send packages?
A:by fed hex
more jokes to come
dumboldboy
2010-06-03, 00:53
I got a baby turtle, and named him Tiny Tim.
I put him in the bathtub, to see if he would swim.
He drank up all the water, and ate up all the soap.
So now my turtle's sick in bed with bubbles in his throat.
See. I really am a dumb old boy....
wdavid180
2010-12-30, 00:01
A firework and a car battery were arrested by the police. The firework was let off, the battery was charged.
Ehennigan
2011-04-02, 05:30
:funny:
How many actors does it take to screw on a lightbulb?
100
One to screw it in and 99 to say "I could have done that better!"
my.computer
2011-07-21, 23:28
on my birthday my wife mentioned i was getting old. I explained to her that men were like fine wines, we get better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
based on a true story
Q: what do you get when you put money in the fridge?
answer in white text below (highlight to see answer)
A: Cold hard cash:D:
a blind man walked into a bar with his seeing eye dog. once near the bar he picked his dog up and began to swing him around in a circle overhead holding his tail. bartender asked can i get ya something? man replied naaa...i'm just lookin around! :cool:
jammartinez760
2017-09-04, 14:55
LOL it is really funny about elephant :laugh:
:funny:
How many actors does it take to screw on a lightbulb?
100
One to screw it in and 99 to say "I could have done that better!"
how many drunks does it take?
Four. One to hold the bulb while the other three watch the room spin
why do nun's travel in pairs?
So one nun see's the other nun doesn't get none!