Well, I got a drive-by while searching for Bluetooth drivers and, long story short, I suspect that I now have the TDSS rootkit on this computer's HD. As such, Windows is no longer permitted to connect to the network (without me monitoring traffic), and I have a SLAX CD going right now.

I have tried removing this, however, to no avail. I have done:
* MBAM scanning
* SpyBot scanning (finds Click.Giftload)
* ClamWin scanning
* ClamAV scanning
* Putting the HD into another XP box, and running Norton AV on it (found a few infected JARs in the Java cache for...LocalService?!
* Combofix (no script file supplied) (MS Recovery console installed)
* GMER scanning (no red text)
* Rootkit Buster
* SpyDLL Remover
* Tarballing the SYS32/Drivers dir, extracting on a clean PC, diffing the directories, and uploading any non-identical files from this box to VirusTotal, which only got false positives
* OTL
* HiJack This
* TDSSKiller

For ComboFix, OTL, HJT, TDSSKiller, and GMER, I used random file names.
TDSSKiller crashes at 80% of loading, which is why I suspect a MBR infection, from another thread here having the same problem.
If Windows runs for long enough, I get messages about some DLLs that are loaded not being valid Microsoft images (I am therefor running SLAX for the time being)

Additionally, I have the CrashOnCtrlScroll regkey in the registry, so, if need be, I can stop the kernel (and I have the system set up to do a full memory dump, just in case :) )

*End of manual message, log following*

.
DDS (Ver_11-03-05.01) - NTFSx86
Run by Chris at 16:59:35.91 on Fri 04/29/2011
Internet Explorer: 6.0.2900.5512 BrowserJavaVersion: 1.6.0_24
Microsoft Windows XP Home Edition 5.1.2600.3.1252.1.1033.18.382.60 [GMT -8:00]
.
.
============== Running Processes ===============
.
C:\WINDOWS\system32\nvsvc32.exe
C:\WINDOWS\system32\svchost.exe -k DcomLaunch
svchost.exe
C:\WINDOWS\System32\svchost.exe -k netsvcs
svchost.exe
svchost.exe
C:\WINDOWS\system32\spoolsv.exe
svchost.exe
C:\Program Files\Java\jre6\bin\jqs.exe
C:\WINDOWS\system32\HPZipm12.exe
C:\WINDOWS\System32\snmp.exe
C:\WINDOWS\system32\SearchIndexer.exe
C:\WINDOWS\Explorer.EXE
C:\WINDOWS\system32\wscntfy.exe
C:\Program Files\WIDCOMM\Bluetooth Software\bin\btwdins.exe
C:\Program Files\ClamWin\bin\ClamTray.exe
C:\WINDOWS\system32\RUNDLL32.EXE
C:\Program Files\Common Files\Java\Java Update\jusched.exe
C:\WINDOWS\SOUNDMAN.EXE
C:\Program Files\Saitek\Software\SaiMfd.exe
C:\Program Files\Saitek\Software\ProfilerU.exe
C:\Program Files\Spybot - Search & Destroy\TeaTimer.exe
C:\Program Files\Adobe\Acrobat 7.0\Reader\reader_sl.exe
C:\Program Files\WIDCOMM\Bluetooth Software\BTTray.exe
C:\Program Files\Windows Desktop Search\WindowsSearch.exe
C:\Program Files\OpenOffice.org 3\program\soffice.exe
C:\Program Files\OpenOffice.org 3\program\soffice.bin
C:\trashVir\dds.scr
.
============== Pseudo HJT Report ===============
.
uStart Page = about:blank
uInternet Settings,ProxyServer = 127.0.0.1:80
uInternet Settings,ProxyOverride = <local>
BHO: AutorunsDisabled - No File
BHO: JQSIEStartDetectorImpl - No File
BHO: Java(tm) Plug-In 2 SSV Helper: {dbc80044-a445-435b-bc74-9c25c1c588a9} - c:\program files\java\jre6\bin\jp2ssv.dll
BHO: JQSIEStartDetectorImpl Class: {e7e6f031-17ce-4c07-bc86-eabfe594f69c} - c:\program files\java\jre6\lib\deploy\jqs\ie\jqs_plugin.dll
TB: Vuze Remote Toolbar: {ba14329e-9550-4989-b3f2-9732e92d17cc} - c:\program files\vuze_remote\tbVuz0.dll
uRun: [Alcohol.bin Autorun] c:\program files\alcohol soft\alcohol 120\Alcohol.bin /startup
uRun: [SpybotSD TeaTimer] c:\program files\spybot - search & destroy\TeaTimer.exe
mRun: [ClamWin] "c:\program files\clamwin\bin\ClamTray.exe" --logon
mRun: [DivXUpdate] "c:\program files\divx\divx update\DivXUpdate.exe" /CHECKNOW
mRun: [nwiz] c:\program files\nvidia corporation\nview\nwiz.exe /installquiet
mRun: [NvMediaCenter] RUNDLL32.EXE c:\windows\system32\NvMcTray.dll,NvTaskbarInit
mRun: [NvCplDaemon] RUNDLL32.EXE c:\windows\system32\NvCpl.dll,NvStartup
mRun: [SunJavaUpdateSched] "c:\program files\common files\java\java update\jusched.exe"
mRun: [SoundMan] SOUNDMAN.EXE
mRun: [SaiMfd] c:\program files\saitek\software\SaiMfd.exe
mRun: [Profiler] c:\program files\saitek\software\ProfilerU.exe
StartupFolder: c:\documents and settings\chris\start menu\programs\startup\HousecallLauncher.exe
StartupFolder: c:\docume~1\chris\startm~1\programs\startup\openof~1.lnk - c:\program files\openoffice.org 3\program\quickstart.exe
StartupFolder: c:\docume~1\alluse~1\startm~1\programs\startup\adober~1.lnk - c:\program files\adobe\acrobat 7.0\reader\reader_sl.exe
StartupFolder: c:\docume~1\alluse~1\startm~1\programs\startup\blueto~1.lnk - c:\program files\widcomm\bluetooth software\BTTray.exe
StartupFolder: c:\docume~1\alluse~1\startm~1\programs\startup\window~1.lnk - c:\program files\windows desktop search\WindowsSearch.exe
mPolicies-explorer: NoStrCmpLogical = 1 (0x1)
IE: Send to &Bluetooth Device... - c:\program files\widcomm\bluetooth software\btsendto_ie_ctx.htm
IE: Send To Bluetooth - c:\program files\widcomm\bluetooth software\btsendto_ie.htm
IE: {FB5F1910-F110-11d2-BB9E-00C04F795683} - c:\program files\messenger\msmsgs.exe
IE: {CCA281CA-C863-46ef-9331-5C8D4460577F} - c:\program files\widcomm\bluetooth software\btsendto_ie.htm
IE: {e2e2dd38-d088-4134-82b7-f2ba38496583} - %windir%\Network Diagnostic\xpnetdiag.exe
DPF: {6414512B-B978-451D-A0D8-FCFDF33E833C} - hxxp://update.microsoft.com/windowsupdate/v6/V5Controls/en/x86/client/wuweb_site.cab?1301092235348
DPF: {8AD9C840-044E-11D1-B3E9-00805F499D93} - hxxp://java.sun.com/update/1.6.0/jinstall-1_6_0_24-windows-i586.cab
DPF: {CAFEEFAC-0016-0000-0020-ABCDEFFEDCBA} - hxxp://java.sun.com/update/1.6.0/jinstall-1_6_0_20-windows-i586.cab
DPF: {CAFEEFAC-0016-0000-0024-ABCDEFFEDCBA} - hxxp://java.sun.com/update/1.6.0/jinstall-1_6_0_24-windows-i586.cab
DPF: {CAFEEFAC-FFFF-FFFF-FFFF-ABCDEFFEDCBA} - hxxp://java.sun.com/update/1.6.0/jinstall-1_6_0_24-windows-i586.cab
TCP: {0D4A2D8C-656A-4DD5-952D-B00B7108E1DE} = 209.18.47.61,8.8.8.8,76.85.229.110
TCP: {9F1F2845-F134-4581-9544-EDF6B8FCE59D} = 8.8.8.8
TCP: {F3AFB128-E668-4305-8A2D-4EF371CB4C14} = 209.18.47.61,209.18.47.62,8.8.8.8
SEH: Windows Desktop Search Namespace Manager: {56f9679e-7826-4c84-81f3-532071a8bcc5} - c:\program files\windows desktop search\MSNLNamespaceMgr.dll
Hosts: 127.0.0.1 www.spywareinfo.com
.
================= FIREFOX ===================
.
FF - ProfilePath - c:\docume~1\chris\applic~1\mozilla\firefox\profiles\9az0l1dr.default\
FF - plugin: c:\documents and settings\chris\application data\mozilla\firefox\profiles\9az0l1dr.default\extensions\{1bc9ba34-1eed-42ca-a505-6d2f1a935bbb}\plugins\npietab2.dll
FF - plugin: c:\program files\divx\divx ovs helper\npovshelper.dll
FF - plugin: c:\program files\java\jre6\bin\new_plugin\npdeployJava1.dll
FF - plugin: c:\program files\mozilla firefox\plugins\npdeployJava1.dll
.
============= SERVICES / DRIVERS ===============
.
R0 BtHidBus;Bluetooth HID Bus Service;c:\windows\system32\drivers\BtHidBus.sys [2009-1-7 20744]
R1 vcdrom;Virtual CD-ROM Device Driver;c:\documents and settings\chris\virtualcd\VCdRom.sys [2001-12-19 8576]
R3 PPJoyBus;Parallel Port Joystick Bus device driver;c:\windows\system32\drivers\PPJoyBus.sys [2002-8-8 11330]
R3 PPortJoystick;Parallel Port Joystick device driver;c:\windows\system32\drivers\PPortJoy.sys [2003-6-8 21922]
S2 AsUsbDrvXP;AsUsbDrvXP;c:\windows\system32\drivers\asusbdrvxp.sys --> c:\windows\system32\drivers\AsUsbDrvXP.sys [?]
S3 BTCOM;Bluetooth Serial port driver;c:\windows\system32\drivers\btcomport.sys --> c:\windows\system32\drivers\btcomport.sys [?]
S3 BTCOMBUS;Bluetooth Serial Port Bus Service;c:\windows\system32\drivers\btcombus.sys --> c:\windows\system32\drivers\btcombus.sys [?]
S3 btnetBUs;Bluetooth PAN Bus Service;c:\windows\system32\drivers\btnetBus.sys [2008-12-7 30088]
S3 dsiarhwprog;dsiarhwprog;c:\windows\system32\drivers\dsiarhwprog.sys [2010-9-1 29184]
S3 IvtBtBUs;IVT Bluetooth Bus Service;c:\windows\system32\drivers\IvtBtBus.sys [2008-7-2 26248]
S3 RTLWUSB;NETGEAR WG111v2 54Mbps Wireless USB 2.0 Adapter NT Driver;c:\windows\system32\drivers\wg111v2.sys [2010-11-14 272128]
S3 SaiH075C;SaiH075C;c:\windows\system32\drivers\SaiH075C.sys [2010-8-28 176640]
S4 mi-raysat_3dsmax2010_32;mental ray 3.7 Satellite for Autodesk 3ds Max 2010 32-bit 32-bit;c:\program files\autodesk\3ds max 2010\mentalray\satellite\raysat_3dsmax2010_32server.exe [2009-3-12 86016]
.
=============== Created Last 30 ================
.
2011-04-29 16:34:04 -------- d-----w- C:\trashVir
2011-04-19 04:17:26 -------- d-----w- c:\program files\Windows Imaging
2011-04-19 04:05:45 -------- d-----w- c:\program files\Windows AIK
2011-04-19 03:19:14 -------- d-----w- C:\SpybotBootCD
2011-04-19 01:44:03 -------- d-----w- c:\program files\Spybot - Search & Destroy
2011-04-19 01:44:03 -------- d-----w- c:\docume~1\alluse~1\applic~1\Spybot - Search & Destroy
2011-04-19 01:27:49 -------- d-----w- c:\docume~1\chris\applic~1\Safer Networking
2011-04-19 01:24:36 -------- d-----w- c:\program files\Safer Networking
2011-04-19 00:02:56 -------- d-----w- c:\docume~1\chris\applic~1\Abine
2011-04-18 22:50:45 -------- d-sha-r- C:\cmdcons
2011-04-18 20:41:14 47272 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\drivers\btwusb.sys
2011-04-18 20:41:14 106557 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\btw_ci.dll
2011-04-18 20:41:13 57384 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\drivers\btwhid.sys
2011-04-18 20:41:13 156816 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\drivers\btwdndis.sys
2011-04-18 20:41:12 991136 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\drivers\btkrnl.sys
2011-04-18 20:41:12 37160 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\drivers\btport.sys
2011-04-18 20:41:11 534312 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\drivers\btaudio.sys
2011-04-18 20:40:26 -------- d-----w- c:\program files\WIDCOMM
2011-04-18 19:54:27 98816 ----a-w- c:\windows\sed.exe
2011-04-18 19:54:27 89088 ----a-w- c:\windows\MBR.exe
2011-04-18 19:54:27 256512 ----a-w- c:\windows\PEV.exe
2011-04-18 19:54:27 161792 ----a-w- c:\windows\SWREG.exe
2011-04-18 19:34:42 -------- d-----w- C:\found.000
2011-04-17 21:33:48 91176 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\drivers\btwsecfl.sys
2011-04-17 07:55:06 -------- d-----w- c:\program files\IVT Corporation
2011-04-17 06:53:24 86016 ----a-w- c:\windows\unvise32.exe
2011-04-17 06:51:44 -------- d-----w- c:\program files\Parallel Port Joystick
2011-04-17 06:25:32 90624 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\nmwcdcls.dll
2011-04-17 06:25:30 -------- d-----w- c:\program files\Nokia
2011-04-17 06:25:17 18816 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\drivers\pccsmcfd.sys
2011-04-17 06:24:28 -------- d-----w- c:\program files\PC Connectivity Solution
2011-04-17 05:47:50 -------- d-----w- c:\documents and settings\chris\Bluetooth Software
2011-04-17 05:44:53 237568 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\BtwRSupport.dll
2011-04-17 05:03:16 21504 -c--a-w- c:\windows\system32\dllcache\hidserv.dll
2011-04-17 05:03:16 21504 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\hidserv.dll
2011-04-17 02:04:28 291600 ----a-w- c:\windows\system\WININET.DLL
2011-04-17 02:04:27 -------- d-----w- C:\SIERRA
2011-04-17 01:25:13 -------- d-----w- c:\docume~1\chris\applic~1\Windows Search
2011-04-09 20:08:57 -------- d-----w- c:\documents and settings\chris\.dia
2011-04-09 20:08:22 -------- d-----w- c:\program files\Dia
.
==================== Find3M ====================
.
2011-03-26 04:23:01 232968 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\nvdrsdb0.bin
2011-03-26 04:23:01 1 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\nvdrssel.bin
2011-03-26 04:22:47 232968 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\nvdrsdb1.bin
2011-02-03 05:40:23 472808 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\deployJava1.dll
2011-02-03 03:19:39 73728 ----a-w- c:\windows\system32\javacpl.cpl
.
=================== ROOTKIT ====================
.
Stealth MBR rootkit/Mebroot/Sinowal/TDL4 detector 0.4.2 by Gmer, http://www.gmer.net
Windows 5.1.2600 Disk: HDT722516DLAT80 rev.V43OA96A -> Harddisk0\DR0 -> \Device\Ide\IdeDeviceP0T0L0-3
.
device: opened successfully
user: MBR read successfully
.
Disk trace:
called modules: ntkrnlpa.exe CLASSPNP.SYS disk.sys ACPI.sys hal.dll >>UNKNOWN [0x832564F0]<<
_asm { PUSH EBP; MOV EBP, ESP; PUSH ECX; MOV EAX, [EBP+0x8]; CMP EAX, [0x8325c7d0]; MOV EAX, [0x8325c84c]; PUSH EBX; PUSH ESI; MOV ESI, [EBP+0xc]; MOV EBX, [ESI+0x60]; PUSH EDI; JNZ 0x20; MOV [EBP+0x8], EAX; }
1 ntkrnlpa!IofCallDriver[0x804EE130] -> \Device\Harddisk0\DR0[0x83214AB8]
3 CLASSPNP[0xF7547FD7] -> ntkrnlpa!IofCallDriver[0x804EE130] -> \Device\00000090[0x832CDF18]
5 ACPI[0xF7249620] -> ntkrnlpa!IofCallDriver[0x804EE130] -> [0x8330EB58]
\Driver\atapi[0x832FAC80] -> IRP_MJ_CREATE -> 0x832564F0
error: Read A device attached to the system is not functioning.
kernel: MBR read successfully
_asm { XOR AX, AX; MOV SI, 0x7c00; MOV DI, 0x7a00; MOV SS, AX; MOV SP, DI; MOV DS, AX; MOV ES, AX; MOV CX, 0x200; CLD ; REP MOVSB ; JMP FAR 0x0:0x7a1b; }
detected disk devices:
detected hooks:
\Driver\atapi DriverStartIo -> 0x8325633B
user & kernel MBR OK
Warning: possible TDL3 rootkit infection !
.
============= FINISH: 17:02:27.67 ===============